Saudade
The Portuguese word “Saudade” refers to that bittersweet feeling of longing, melancholy, desire, and nostalgia for a beloved yet absent person or place.
I spent my adolescent years in Brazil, in remote parts of Minas Gérais and Goiás. Although I moved to Rio as soon as I finished my studies in Europe, it was those formative pre-teen and teenage years, surrounded by forests, rivers and cattle ranches, that had the most profound effect on me. The moment I arrived, I felt an instant, visceral connection to the land, to the fauna and flora, to the language and to the people.
Although I lived in Brazil during the years of the brutal military dictatorship, my memories have been largely idealised. They remain nurturing, comforting and inspiring, despite the undercurrent of violence that permeated much of the country at that time.
Working on this project has been a cathartic process. It has helped me reconcile the loss of a place I loved, and of the part of my identity that seemed to vanish the moment I left. The project has helped me come to terms with the fact that part of my brain will forever be filled with a language I still dream in but hardly ever have the opportunity to speak. This project is, in many ways, my attempt to express a love that never faded.
Over the past few years, whenever a scene or moment evoked memories of my life in those places in the 70s and 80s, I photographed it. As the project evolved, I became more intentional and sought out locations that had cultural or historical connections with Brazil. I also photographed in countries with landscapes and fauna and flora reminiscent of Brazil’s. Together these collected images, made in various other countries, have become a visual expression of my saudade of Brazil.
Epilogue
June 2026
I finally made it back to Brazil, forty two years after I last lived there. I had to go.
I did not feel the alienation I had dreaded. Instead, I felt as though I had come home. The tension in my shoulders eased and my mind cleared.
What struck me immediately was that I had changed more than the country itself. Many places looked the same, and the people, still cool, still emotionally intelligent, still unbothered by small things, seemed much the same too.
I photographed freely during my time back in Brazil, but these photographs were as full of longing as those taken elsewhere. I longed to stay longer, to return more often, and to be the carefree young person I had been. Rather than keep these images separate, I felt they were telling the same story and belonged among the others.
I am not sure the trip lessened my yearning, but I think it helped me accept that my saudade for Brazil is simply part of who I am.